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| Love
is that thing that we all strive for in one way or another throughout
our lives. No matter how we all go about it, we all try. But the key
there is try. Because of the harsh reality that nothing in this
world is guaranteed, all we really can do is try. The outcome that
occurs is of something I am far from understanding. Call it fate, hope,
determination, God, whatever suits you. Either way, with our lives
ticking away every passing second until our final days, love is only a
luxury shared by some. The cruelest thing of all is that those
privileged few that find love abuse it and take it as a burden of their
young, teenage lives. With
this unimaginable wonder called love, like everything else, there can
be a pessimistic side. Those qualms we share of our intense feelings
being reciprocated by the ones we truly care about, and the tension
that follows those feelings. To
say that I have been without love is an untruth. My love for the
longest time has been music. It has been my comfort when I am insecure,
my crutch when I am weak, my only way to express how I feel about the
world beyond where words can take me. But like countless others, the
question of a romantic love has always plagued my young mind. What is it really like? How will I know when? What do I do? But
finally, after what has seemed like an eternity of asking, I am certain
that my heart has come the closest, if not found the answers to those
absurd questions. But in the jubilance of my discovery, there is, as
always, doubt. I say this because the one I feel I could never be
closer to has unknowingly pushed me aside. Starting
around Thanksgiving, a romance suddenly began to blossom; despite the
changing winds of the season. A girl had come back into town to visit
family for the holidays. Before too long, I was introduced to her by
some of my friends. To say we "hit it off" would be a drastic
understatement. So before she went back to Texas
for the rest of her junior year, we exchanged phone numbers, promised
to keep in touch, and that was that. Well as time went on, we grew even
closer with every passing mile that stretched between the two of us. To
me, it felt amazing. To know that for once, outside of music, there was
actually someone that understood me to the extent that I had no need to
use my usual defenses; those personas I use to ward off unwanted
attention. And we continued to talk. Before
too long, it was July of this year. She had already told me of her
plans to come back and visit for a few weeks. Towards the time of her
arrival, I never thought the days and moments could pass so slowly. She
arrived just in time for the sparks to ignite in the air; both
figuratively and literally. In those next few weeks, I couldn't have
been happier. That Joy, that chill down my spine, that ever swelling
smile on my face. Nothing could have been better. But as all good
things do, it came to an end. She returned to Texas
for the upcoming school year. But as our phone conversations continued,
we realized that leaving this spark to die because of distance would
leave both of us missing out on something far too great. So she is mine
and I am hers. That is how it goes. But
again, the question is how was I "put aside"? The answer was through
that one three word phrase that can both lift your spirits, as if you
were flying, or crush you under the disappointment of what you thought
could be. All depending on her answer, these three words held all that
I had hoped for within the past seventeen and a half years of my life. The
odd thing is, her answer was not this coveted response that I was
longing so deeply for, but instead an apologetic "I'm sorry". Even more
peculiar, is my reaction. Because although my desired response from her
was not said, I still know, as she has told me, that she continues to
care immensely about me, as do I to her. Love
is truly a mystery to me; as it will continue to be for the rest of my
life. Always twisting, contorting, and shaping to fit the mold that
people set for it. Love can be seen as many different things. Because
of this, love is taken too lightly more often than not. "It's just a
word" people say. But the absolute truth, as far as I can see now, is
that love; true love is said not with words, however genuine they may
be, but without them. Within that conundrum lies the true
wonder of love. While most pour their souls into words and poems, they
can only say what the mind comprehends. The heart is of a completely
different speech. Only through song, dance, happiness, sadness, and all
the unspoken beauty of our world can love be sought out. So when the
phrase "I love you" drifts into a conversation, just remember that true
words of love can never be spoken, they must be felt. | | |
| Life.
Always twisting, turning, rising, falling, leaving us to deal with the unexpected. Be it good or bad.
I am not one to say that life hasn't taken me on it's weaving roller
coaster ride, but one thing is for sure; while the end of the ride is
imminent, what happens in between beginning and end is where the unsure
aspects of life occur.
In the past, recent and distant, my life, along with my aspirations,
dreams, goals, and views surrounding them have tended to sway towards a
falling out motion. Because of events i've dealt with, i'm almost
accustomed to downfall and tragedy at this point. The track my thrill
ride was stuck on was a steep, ever plummeting one. But as i've come to
know, we are bound to come back up after falling for so long in our own
insecurities. And i think i'm beginning that rising motion for once in
a very long time.
I could say that this newfound rising motion was brought on by some crazy, once in a lifetime experience, but then i'd be lying.
In retrospect, all i really did was step back and look at where my life is right now. Let's review, shall we?:
Music. i'm finally writing my
own songs again. Expressing myself through guitar more and more every
day. The band is getting more developed, getting more shows, playing
more, diversifying more. It's starting to look up.
Relationships. For those that
have been around me since July 6th, they've seen how much more i'm
smiling every day, how happy i've been, and just how close i've really
gotten to my true Euphoria.
All of this is for one reason (or person, rather)And to say that she's
brought a light to my life is an understatement. The likes of which the
world has never seen. It's crazy, but even though she's 1,000 miles
away, to me, hearing her voice is enough to leave me breathless for
hours upon hours. Leaving me to do one thing. Count the weeks, the
days, the moments, until I see her shining face amoung the falling of
Autumn leaves. I can't wait. 
Friendship. To me, friends are
a gift that is just short of the grace of God. My close friends have
always been there for me in times of sorrow and joy, pain and awe. No
matter what the occasion, I can always count on them. But of all, my
closest of friends, the one that has always
been there for me since we met, Sam Columna has clinched the title of
"brother" in my mind. He gets me. Plain and simple. We're always there
for eachother, and I wouldn't trade his friendship for anything in this
world or the next.
While these aspects of my life are looking towards the sky, my future
is constantly looming around the corner. Leaving me to guess what to
expect next.
These past 2 years have been full of change for me. Now, as a
soon-to-be-senior, I've decided to graduate at semester. While
releaving, it's also a very scary thing. Not because I'm afraid to
confront the real world, or live on my own, but because of what I have
wanted to do with my life for so long is filled with unsure outcomes. I
am starting at Metro next fall, double majoring in Music Production and Business Admin.
While music is my passion in life, there is never any guarentee to
where it will lead me. To the top of the charts, or back to my basement
where it all began. It scares me.
My life. Swaying Uneasily On A
Tower Spire, Scraping The Heavens. My dreams are at my fingertips. But
to take that leap into the unknown is more than a question of
determination, but a question of faith and just how much I let the
music guide me. To do so, I must aim high, reach far, and pray for the
best.
*so here's to the best*
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| Unsurpassed expression.
Unbridled emotion.
Holding back for nothing.
While
the notes carry parts of us across the waves of music, our souls turn
from melancholy, anxious, unsure, to nothing short of euphoric. Nothing
in this world, or even the next could amount to the connections I feel
with my brothers on stage.
As
Sam's famous line goes, "music
is all about relationships", I've come to realize the deeper meaning to
that statement. Besides supplying a witty one liner in between songs,
it's stressing the importance of focusing on nothing but the music. Not
the
screaming fans, disgruntled drunken onlookers, nothing. Even those
superficial relationships with women. Confusing the hell out of you
until you feel like you are about to snap. All that fades away in the
presence of music. When on stage, the only relationships going
on are the ones between me and my band-mates, and the relationship I
share with my guitar. Never were there bonds stronger. Although the
fans fuel the crazy antics that we perform, the music is still the
same. A raw expression of all our troubles, joys, qualms, stresses, and
blessings. Unsurpassed by nothing short of God; because you know the
"big man upstairs" must play some mean funk music. The likes of which
the world has never seen.
These
times that I've shared with Sam, Jake, and Carter have been, and always
will be some of the best I'll ever have. Without them, these last 7
months would have been a waste.
The only thing our
determinations can bring is pure success and happiness down the road.
Let that road be as winding, as long, as treacherous as you want it to
be. Because in my mind, after last night, there is nothing on this
earth stopping us from breaking the music world wide open. Mark those
words, they'll be worth something one day. | | |
| It comes out of nowhere.
Whether we like it or not, it is here.
The beautiful thing about it though is that through the never-ending cascades of white flakes, the heavens seem to, for only a short moment, open up. And for that time, through all of the gloom and unhappiness around us, merely glancing at the sky can give us such a simplistic feeling of bliss.
But some are incapable of viewing life and it's simplicity through some monotonous act of mother nature. It's almost sad to think that the beauty that God has given us, and is all around us, is ignored by others.
Sadly enough, I can honestly say that until a short while ago, I was one of those "others" that view the world with constant complexities. But after blankly staring into the distance earlier, I realized that this unusual change in spring weather could be viewed in many ways.
As we all know, spring is the season when love is in the air. Well, love has been a mind-boggling term for me this spring. While flowers were blooming, birds were chirping, and the air was filled with carefree laughter of others enjoying the company of loved ones, I was searching my mind for some answers to particular questions. Questions concerning why I find it necessary to "wear my heart on my sleeve" or why I tend to end up so vulnerable after relationships turn sour like three week old milk.
But lately, through intensive thought and consideration, an epiphany has sprung from the works of my heart and mind. This weather, this snow was showing me that although things can seem gloomy, dark, cold, bitter, etc., there is always something beautiful there; but only when looked at from a certain perspective can this beauty be found. Be it unconditional friendship, a relationship, playing hours upon hours of music, or just reflecting on life and being at peace with things.
Snow is like life and all of it's endeavors. Whatever the situation, the outcome may hold negative results, but it will always hold that underlying sign of beauty that can do nothing else but make you sit back and smile - just smile.
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| Why?
Why does life insist on badgering my emotions?
Why does family drift away when it seems you need them most?
Why do I put matters of the heart ahead of the matters of my intellectual within?
When these events in my life will all eventually fade to nothingness. space. meaningless nonsense.
Why?
Why
do I pursue such outlandish things in life? True happiness,
companionship, acceptance by others. For I openly know that the only
matter of importance is how I view myself. But even in that I am in
malcontent.
Why is it that certain individuals find it
ablsolutely necessary to provoke and temper any drama recognizable? All
this tends to bring is more drama-therefore more unhappiness and strife
between one another.
I may just be rambling, but through
this, I might have stumbled upon the actual unimportance of love. Be it
parental, spousal, or sexual. In the end, it all it leads to is
unhappiness and lonliness.
Then if that's true, WHY do I still
strive for that which will inevitably make me unhappy? Maybe it's just
the alluring power women hold over me. Maybe I am in such a desire for
those brief moments of euphoric bliss that are entailed within love to
be willing to put up with whatever unhappiness and malcontent I have to.
Because
just maybe.....maybe that euphoria is enough to distract me from all
other negativity in my life-even if for a brief instant, i would truly
be able to say that I am at peace.
As of late, tribulations such
as home life, my scholastic career, social issues, and most obviously,
love have been eating away at me. At this point, very little of my
optimism still resides within my heart.
I am lost. Aimlessly walking about the dirt-trodden path of my life. Not sure where to go or what to do. | | |
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